Has It Been That Long?

Holy crap, I didn't realize it has been almost a month since I last posted. I have been one busy and very stressed little bee! Hope you are all going well. Lets see, where to begin?
The job is still going well, however I have learned quickly that I have to find more constructive ways to manage my stress. My job is extremely stressful and often heartbreaking. In the last month and a half I have seen things that would make anyone sick. I always knew there were some terrible parents in this world, but I had no idea just how many there really were and how absolutely fucked up they could be. We have all heard the horror stories of child abuse and neglect, but seeing it first hand on a daily basis is worse than I had imagined. I have found myself becoming rather cynical and I must say I don't like that. It takes a conscious effort to think about the good I am doing and focus on the positive aspects of the job as opposed to all the negative. On top of the stress of simply seeing the horror I have, I am overwhelmed by deadlines and paperwork. However, despite all this, I love the job and I am driven to continue by the thousands of children who need the services.
On another note, I did go to the supervisor regarding my creepy co-worker and the situation was handle very quickly and discretely. Two days after the supervisor meeting the creep started wearing his wedding ring again and told everyone that he and his wife were not separating. I feel bad for her. What a jerk. So everytime he meets someone he is attracted to he's gonna go home and "separate" with her and then when he finds that the interest is not reciprocated he decides they're not? Poor girl. I have half a mind to talk to her so she knows what it is he does. I am sure that she had no idea that they were "separated" and that the wedding ring was placed back on his finger every night before he returned home. As far as I am concerned, people like him deserve to be alone.
I finally got all my things out of Kris's house. But, it was not without some very ugly confrontations. Nothing that I want to go into at the moment, but I am glad it's over. I am still living with mom and having a terrible time finding a place of my own. No one wants to rent to anyone with pets and the average wait for housing here is 6 months! We are in the middle of a huge population boom due to all the oil and gas drilling and people are moving here left and right. The housing market just can't keep up. Having a place of my own is the one thing I need more than anything right now. Since my divorce almost three years ago I have not had a place that I can call "home." I feel completely unsettled at the moment and I feel that getting my own home is what I really need.
And in other news, our mountain is on fire and it's burning out of control. It is absolutely amazing! There have been more than 5 neighborhoods in town that have been evacuated and we are all living in a thick cloud of smoke. Our vehicles have ashes on them every morning. As of this morning more than a third of the mountain was burning and they fear that in the end it may take the entire mountain. Our county has been declared a State of Emergency and FEMA was brought in yesterday. The fire is something that the entire town had feared for some time. The mountain was 15 years overdue for a burn. Ahhh, the powers of Mother Nature!
Anyway, got lots more, but don't wanna be overwhelming! Again, hope you all are doing well and believe it or not, even though I haven't been around much, I think of you all often! I shall do my very best not to take another month long hiatus!

You Have GOT To Be Kidding Me!!!

Stop the world God and let me off!! Good grief I cannot seem to escape the drama. It seems to be actively seeking me out. All I wanted to do was go to work and learn my job and be good at it. Apparently that was too much to ask and for some unknown reason I attract psychos. Check this out....
During my first week of work there was a lot of down time, as all of the supervisors were in meetings and unable to do a lot of training. I can't count the times I was told to go rearrange my office or read the manuals. I felt kinda useless and frustrated because I wanted to be learning. Not many of the other caseworkers took the time out of there busy days to even introduce themselves. On about my 3rd or 4th day, one of the 6 men out of 75 employees, came into my office and introduced himself and offered to take me with him on some of his cases so that I could see how things are done. I was really happy about it and I went with him alot for the next week or so. One evening, "Bob" invited me to dinner with him and his wife. They had just moved to town recently and didn't have alot of friends, I offered to take his wife out sometime and try to introduce them to more people. Well, a few days after that while we were headed to the court house, Bob decided to inform that he was attracted to me and that "just looking at my eyes made his stomach drop." He then proceeded to tell me that he and his wife, who were perfectly happy when I was out with them mind you, were having problems. The next day he told me they were separated. Since then he has been relentless in trying to get me to date him. To the point that it is very uncomfortable. He calls nonstop and is always in my office. When I don't answer my phone or I tell him that I have other plans for lunch (which I tell him almost daily) he pouts. At one point I had a very serious conversation with him and told him that I was not interested in dating and that he couldn't use me or the idea of me as a distraction from his marital problems. Because I work with him and I JUST started the job, I tried very hard to be really nice about it while still getting the point across that he needed to back off. It seemed to have worked, he was very receptive to my comments and really seemed to understand. But the next day he informed me that he decided he wasn't going to back off and that he was "going to woo me so much that I wouldn't have a choice but to be with him" he went was far as to say that we were going to have our first kiss in 3weeks. Can we say PSYCHO!! In the last few days the comments have been getting more presumtuious and uncomfortable. FUCK!! All I wanted was to go to work and learn my job!
Today, things got messy and I had a meeting with a supervisor. This is bullshit! I just started the damn job and I love it! Why this shit? Anyway, today is a post in and of itself and theres more in regards to this situation, but I am tired tonight. So, sorry to leave ya hangin', but I'll have to get into that tomorrow. In the meantime, if anyone has some extra peace and quiet, send it my way, PLEASE!!

In Search of Silence

It has been quite awhile since I have been able to sit down here and write anything. The last three weeks or so have been nothing but drama filled. There have been a lot of ups and downs for me recently and I am beginning to feel overwhelmed and depressed. I want nothing more right now than to be able to sit in silence, by myself, and not even hear the sounds of my own thoughts.
Thankfully there are a few positives to start off with. I started my job on the 10th and I think that I am really going to enjoy it. Granted I am, and will be for the next 5 months, in extensive training. By last night my brain was fried. I sat all day Thursday and Friday sitting in a room listening to a woman read me the manuals I had sitting in front of me. It was dreadfully boring. I have, however, gotten to shadow some other workers and I have been able to observe a lot. I have done a lot of home visits and gone to court a few times. This Friday I got to help develop a case plan for a family. I love the job already and I am very excited to learn more and be able to start having my own cases. It will be an extremely stressful and often times heartbreaking job, though. In the last two weeks I have already seen things that are devastating and disturbing. It is going to be difficult at times. There are going to be times when I am not going to be able to do much for a child because often times our hands are legally tied. I am going have to try very hard to think about the many children and families that I will help and not dwell on the ones that I can’t. It’s a terrible thing to have to think that way, but it is the only way I think I will be able to handle this job. I am also feeling rather intimidated about the massive amounts of paperwork that I have to keep up with. Being a government agency, there must always be a paper trail of anything we do. It will take awhile to get the hang of all the different forms and protocols. But, I still love it!
I also bought a brand spankin’ new truck and I love, love, love it!!

There has also been a lot of drama lately in regards to Kris. I am staying at my mom’s and it seems as if everyday he calls me he is in a different mood. He goes from talking calmly and maturely to being irate and mean and hateful. It has been awful. Last night I had to call his mother at 4 o’clock in the morning because he called me and started telling me that he was a waste of space in this world and he couldn’t be happy or make anyone happy so he didn’t even need to be around. He was absolutely trashed and threatening to hurt himself. I don’t know if it sounds wrong or not, but I don’t want anymore drama. I am tired emotionally and mentally, all I want is silence.

I am exhausted.

Then Why Do I Feel So Sad?

So, here's the thing. I know I mentioned alot of the problems that Kris and I were having in the last post. But, despite those in which I talked about, I had this gut feeling that there was something else. I just couldn't put my finger on it.

In all honesty, yes, the last month or so has been rocky for us, to say the least. We moved in together entirely too soon and as a result learned things about each other that perhaps neither of us were ready to expose. And as mentioned, yes, he has a very serious issue that he needs to acknowledge and heal from. Unfortunatley, I can't do this for him. He told me a few days ago that he needs me, to help make him happy. I had to tell him that he has to do that for himself, only he can make himself happy. I know that I am right about what I said and I know that, unfortunately, Kris and I cannot be together. But, I do love him and care about him deeply. I know he is hurting inside and it kills me not to be able to help him. He is a thoughtful, kindhearted person, he's wonderful. However, because some twisted fuck decided to do what he did, Kris is suffering. Not only is he severly depressed, he drinks alot. The worst part is that his parents have no idea what he went through as a child. He refuses to tell them because he doesn't want his mom to blame herself. He says that he only remebers bits and pieces and swears that it has not and does not effect him. It does. Alot. I feel helpless and I feel like a terrible person because there is nothing I can do to help him. And now we are broken up.

Like I said, aside from the aforementioned isssues, my gut told me there was something else that was bothering him. On Monday, I figured it out. If you have read my previous post you may recall me talking about the fact that I have a rather severe case of endometriosis. This was discovered during exploratory surgery, last May. I also lost part of reproductive oragans as the result of a ruptured tubal pregnancy. Anyway, I have been advised by my Dr. that if I want to have children I need to do it in the near future because eventually the disease will lead to a complete hystorectomy. Anyway, Kris knew about this situation from the get go and he had said that he wanted to have children as well. See, the thing is, I feel that if I am going to put any emotions into a person and have a relationship with them, that they should want the same thing I do, such as a family. Otherwise, I feel like it would be a waiste of time and energy for both of us. It would never work. Kris told me on Monday that he does not want children. He said he could change his mind someday, but who knows when, could be in year, could be in five yrs. He said that he knows how important it is for me to be a mother, but that it was not something that he was willing to give me. He told me that he wants me to move on and find somebody that will help me to fulfill my dream.

I know that he is right. Being a mother is my dream and there is no reason that I should not have that opportunity. He does not want that. I understand and I agree. It is for the best that we are not together. Then why am I so sad?

And So It Is

I made a mistake. Now there is nothing to do but admit it, accept it, and move on. Much easier said than done.

I am in the midst of a moment of self realization. I find that it is extremely difficult to be brutally honest with myself. Honest with myself about the mistakes I have made and with the fact that I didn’t come out of my divorce unscathed.

The reality is that I am an extremely insecure person and deathly afraid of being alone. As with almost any divorce, I felt my dreams were shattered. I no longer had the husband I wanted and the possibility of being a mother like I desperately want to was gone. I felt as if I awoke one day in a foreign world. Recently, I have come to the realization that now, 3 years after the divorce, I am merely chasing happiness. And what happens when you chase something? It runs away faster. Happiness is not something you go looking for, it is something that comes to you.

I have been so afraid of being alone that I have forgotten about the most important thing, myself. Granted, I have been very successful in the career aspect of my life. I can financially take care of myself. But emotionally, I am my own worst enemy. I want so badly to be a wife and a mother and to have that special someone to share life with that I have allowed myself to be in a relationship that, in all honesty, is unhealthy. I am not happy. I have chosen to do something about it….finally.

I haven’t known Kris for all that long. But, when we first met things were magical. I honestly couldn’t remember a time when I had felt so happy and right about something. We were inseparable, we had so much in common, and we had a great time. I thought for sure he was the one. Then, I made the mistake. I was living with my mom for the first time in 10 years and I was hating it, not that I don’t love my mom, it was just not something I wanted to be doing at the age of 27. Kris had just bought a house and had said that I could live with him. At first, I told him that I didn’t it was a good idea because we had only really known each other for a few months. A few months went by and against my better judgment I moved in with him.

For the first few months things were wonderful. Then, like a flash, he was a completely different person. He drinks, A LOT. From the time he gets home to the time he goes to bed he has a beer in his hand. He mopes around the house and hardly speaks to me. He hasn’t had sex with me or barely touched me in over a month. I have tried to talk to him about things and he gets very mean and defensive. There are issues he has that could be related to some of this behavior; however, he will in no way acknowledge that there is a problem. He simply insists that he is just not as sexually driven as other men and that the only reason he his grouchy is because of work. I don’t buy it. Don’t get me wrong, this is not all about the lack of sex. The fact of the matter is that he had a very traumatic event happen to him as a child and he has told no one about it (except me and his ex). And the lack of sexual desire is not the only side effect from this. He absolutely refuses to believe that the event has anything to do with anything and is completely unwilling to work on fixing anything. I understand completely that what he went through was devastating and I feel terrible for him. I would love to be there for him and help him get through this. But, he will not seek help in any way, as he feels there is no problem. I am ignored at home constantly and I feel uncomfortable in my own home. I have gone and stayed at my moms tonight. I want to help Kris, but to I stay and put effort and emotions into someone who has no desire to fix things. In all honesty, we have only known each other really well for 5 months. I am just not sure that I am ready or willing to deal with things to this magnitude. I deserve to be happy too. But, I feel terrible for feeling this way. I don’t really think there is a choice anymore. I need out.

And so it is.

At Long Last

Howdy all! I'm back! Hope you have all been doing well. I have not been able to get around and check in on any of you lately, I apologize. Anyway, things on the job front are looking up, while things on the home front seem to be taking a slightly negative turn. Isn't that life!?

I got the job with the Department of Family Services, Child Protection Agency. I am so very excited! I will finally get to work with and help children and families which is the whole reason I got the degree I did. Not to mention, it's a $12,000 annual pay raise and I get all the state benefits, including full retirement! It is exactly what I needed! I don't start until the 10th of July so I have a 3 week vacation. Sounds nice, but I am bored out of my mind!! I'm not one of those people who can just sit around the house all day. On the positive side, my house is spotless, the yard is emaculate, and the laundry baskets are always empty. But, there is only so much laundry and cleaning that can be done, you know?

In other news, I had a cyst removed just below my left ear on Monday and I am waiting for the biopsy results. So, I have 10 stitches and a very sore ear. With all my moles and skin cancer and now the cyst, I am beginning to feel like my body is some sort of farm, specializing in growing some sort of weird produce!! Wonder if there's anyway to profit off of that!!

My home life and relationship with Kris seems to have taken an awkward turn. There have been some very serious issues that have cropped up with him. Issues in which I am not ready to discuss, as I am having a very difficult time dealing and understanding them myself. They are serious and touchy issues (possibly physical, possibly psychological, possibly both), and when I have tried to discuss them with him he gets very defensive and begins to belittle me and tell me that he is not what I want and many other hurtful things. I feel horrible for him. With not being able to explain what exactly the issues are, it makes it difficult to describe to you just how I have been feeling, but it is not good, at all!!

Perhaps, here in a few days I will feel better about discussing them. Maybe, someone out there can help me deal with all of this. And with that, I will leave you all today with a conversation I had with one of the 7 yr old twins I used to babysit. (I babysat these boys, twins and their brother who is 16 months older, for the first 5 years of their lives, 50 hrs a week. They are my babies)!!

setting: far end of the table at the Hometown Buffet

Jack- "Avery, you used to married to PB, huh?"

Me- "Yep"

Jack- "But, he was not nice to you and now you have a new boyfriend."

Me- "Yep, his name is Kris"

Jack- "Oh yeah, Kris. *in a whisper* "Do you have sex with him?"

Me (with jaw dropped, he's 7 people!)- "Jack, that is a very private thing and you should not ask people that question, ok?

Jack- "Ok Avery, sorry I won't do that anymore. But, have you?"

TERMINATED

Well shit! It finally happened! I was fired on Wednesday. It is a very long story and something that was bound to happen sooner or later, but it still sucked! I have never been fired before and although I was not fired for doing anything wrong, it still upset me. I spent most of Wednesday afternoon crying and feeling like a worthless POS. But, after a well needed cry fest, I am actually really glad. I needed to get away from that job. And as it turns out, all things do truly happen for a reason. The day after I was fired I got a call from The Department of Family Services for an interview. I had turned in my resume about a month ago and in all honesty almost forgot about it. It is a much better job and not only would I be using my degree I would be working with children, not to mention a $12,000 a year pay raise! The interview is Monday at 1:30 and I am nervous as all hell!! Keep your fingers crossed!!

Anyway, because I lost my job I do not have internet access all that much, so until we get the internet at home (which we are working on) I will not be able to post as much, but I am still around and I will try and check in as much as possible. In the mean time, I hope that all of you are doing well! I know I haven't been blogging for long and that I don't have all that many readers, but if any of you have any questions for me, about anything, go ahead and ask away!

Again, I hope that all of you are doing well!
Back in a jiffy!!!