Just Sayin'.....

Has It Been That Long?

2006-08-17T19:26:00.000-07:00

Holy crap, I didn't realize it has been almost a month since I last posted. I have been one busy and very stressed little bee! Hope you are all going well. Lets see, where to begin?
The job is still going well, however I have learned quickly that I have to find more constructive ways to manage my stress. My job is extremely stressful and often heartbreaking. In the last month and a half I have seen things that would make anyone sick. I always knew there were some terrible parents in this world, but I had no idea just how many there really were and how absolutely fucked up they could be. We have all heard the horror stories of child abuse and neglect, but seeing it first hand on a daily basis is worse than I had imagined. I have found myself becoming rather cynical and I must say I don't like that. It takes a conscious effort to think about the good I am doing and focus on the positive aspects of the job as opposed to all the negative. On top of the stress of simply seeing the horror I have, I am overwhelmed by deadlines and paperwork. However, despite all this, I love the job and I am driven to continue by the thousands of children who need the services.
On another note, I did go to the supervisor regarding my creepy co-worker and the situation was handle very quickly and discretely. Two days after the supervisor meeting the creep started wearing his wedding ring again and told everyone that he and his wife were not separating. I feel bad for her. What a jerk. So everytime he meets someone he is attracted to he's gonna go home and "separate" with her and then when he finds that the interest is not reciprocated he decides they're not? Poor girl. I have half a mind to talk to her so she knows what it is he does. I am sure that she had no idea that they were "separated" and that the wedding ring was placed back on his finger every night before he returned home. As far as I am concerned, people like him deserve to be alone.
I finally got all my things out of Kris's house. But, it was not without some very ugly confrontations. Nothing that I want to go into at the moment, but I am glad it's over. I am still living with mom and having a terrible time finding a place of my own. No one wants to rent to anyone with pets and the average wait for housing here is 6 months! We are in the middle of a huge population boom due to all the oil and gas drilling and people are moving here left and right. The housing market just can't keep up. Having a place of my own is the one thing I need more than anything right now. Since my divorce almost three years ago I have not had a place that I can call "home." I feel completely unsettled at the moment and I feel that getting my own home is what I really need.
And in other news, our mountain is on fire and it's burning out of control. It is absolutely amazing! There have been more than 5 neighborhoods in town that have been evacuated and we are all living in a thick cloud of smoke. Our vehicles have ashes on them every morning. As of this morning more than a third of the mountain was burning and they fear that in the end it may take the entire mountain. Our county has been declared a State of Emergency and FEMA was brought in yesterday. The fire is something that the entire town had feared for some time. The mountain was 15 years overdue for a burn. Ahhh, the powers of Mother Nature!
Anyway, got lots more, but don't wanna be overwhelming! Again, hope you all are doing well and believe it or not, even though I haven't been around much, I think of you all often! I shall do my very best not to take another month long hiatus!

You Have GOT To Be Kidding Me!!!

2006-07-27T21:59:00.000-07:00

Stop the world God and let me off!! Good grief I cannot seem to escape the drama. It seems to be actively seeking me out. All I wanted to do was go to work and learn my job and be good at it. Apparently that was too much to ask and for some unknown reason I attract psychos. Check this out....
During my first week of work there was a lot of down time, as all of the supervisors were in meetings and unable to do a lot of training. I can't count the times I was told to go rearrange my office or read the manuals. I felt kinda useless and frustrated because I wanted to be learning. Not many of the other caseworkers took the time out of there busy days to even introduce themselves. On about my 3rd or 4th day, one of the 6 men out of 75 employees, came into my office and introduced himself and offered to take me with him on some of his cases so that I could see how things are done. I was really happy about it and I went with him alot for the next week or so. One evening, "Bob" invited me to dinner with him and his wife. They had just moved to town recently and didn't have alot of friends, I offered to take his wife out sometime and try to introduce them to more people. Well, a few days after that while we were headed to the court house, Bob decided to inform that he was attracted to me and that "just looking at my eyes made his stomach drop." He then proceeded to tell me that he and his wife, who were perfectly happy when I was out with them mind you, were having problems. The next day he told me they were separated. Since then he has been relentless in trying to get me to date him. To the point that it is very uncomfortable. He calls nonstop and is always in my office. When I don't answer my phone or I tell him that I have other plans for lunch (which I tell him almost daily) he pouts. At one point I had a very serious conversation with him and told him that I was not interested in dating and that he couldn't use me or the idea of me as a distraction from his marital problems. Because I work with him and I JUST started the job, I tried very hard to be really nice about it while still getting the point across that he needed to back off. It seemed to have worked, he was very receptive to my comments and really seemed to understand. But the next day he informed me that he decided he wasn't going to back off and that he was "going to woo me so much that I wouldn't have a choice but to be with him" he went was far as to say that we were going to have our first kiss in 3weeks. Can we say PSYCHO!! In the last few days the comments have been getting more presumtuious and uncomfortable. FUCK!! All I wanted was to go to work and learn my job!
Today, things got messy and I had a meeting with a supervisor. This is bullshit! I just started the damn job and I love it! Why this shit? Anyway, today is a post in and of itself and theres more in regards to this situation, but I am tired tonight. So, sorry to leave ya hangin', but I'll have to get into that tomorrow. In the meantime, if anyone has some extra peace and quiet, send it my way, PLEASE!!

In Search of Silence

2006-07-22T20:11:00.000-07:00

It has been quite awhile since I have been able to sit down here and write anything. The last three weeks or so have been nothing but drama filled. There have been a lot of ups and downs for me recently and I am beginning to feel overwhelmed and depressed. I want nothing more right now than to be able to sit in silence, by myself, and not even hear the sounds of my own thoughts.
Thankfully there are a few positives to start off with. I started my job on the 10th and I think that I am really going to enjoy it. Granted I am, and will be for the next 5 months, in extensive training. By last night my brain was fried. I sat all day Thursday and Friday sitting in a room listening to a woman read me the manuals I had sitting in front of me. It was dreadfully boring. I have, however, gotten to shadow some other workers and I have been able to observe a lot. I have done a lot of home visits and gone to court a few times. This Friday I got to help develop a case plan for a family. I love the job already and I am very excited to learn more and be able to start having my own cases. It will be an extremely stressful and often times heartbreaking job, though. In the last two weeks I have already seen things that are devastating and disturbing. It is going to be difficult at times. There are going to be times when I am not going to be able to do much for a child because often times our hands are legally tied. I am going have to try very hard to think about the many children and families that I will help and not dwell on the ones that I can’t. It’s a terrible thing to have to think that way, but it is the only way I think I will be able to handle this job. I am also feeling rather intimidated about the massive amounts of paperwork that I have to keep up with. Being a government agency, there must always be a paper trail of anything we do. It will take awhile to get the hang of all the different forms and protocols. But, I still love it!
I also bought a brand spankin’ new truck and I love, love, love it!!

There has also been a lot of drama lately in regards to Kris. I am staying at my mom’s and it seems as if everyday he calls me he is in a different mood. He goes from talking calmly and maturely to being irate and mean and hateful. It has been awful. Last night I had to call his mother at 4 o’clock in the morning because he called me and started telling me that he was a waste of space in this world and he couldn’t be happy or make anyone happy so he didn’t even need to be around. He was absolutely trashed and threatening to hurt himself. I don’t know if it sounds wrong or not, but I don’t want anymore drama. I am tired emotionally and mentally, all I want is silence.

I am exhausted.

Then Why Do I Feel So Sad?

2006-07-05T22:30:00.000-07:00

So, here's the thing. I know I mentioned alot of the problems that Kris and I were having in the last post. But, despite those in which I talked about, I had this gut feeling that there was something else. I just couldn't put my finger on it.

In all honesty, yes, the last month or so has been rocky for us, to say the least. We moved in together entirely too soon and as a result learned things about each other that perhaps neither of us were ready to expose. And as mentioned, yes, he has a very serious issue that he needs to acknowledge and heal from. Unfortunatley, I can't do this for him. He told me a few days ago that he needs me, to help make him happy. I had to tell him that he has to do that for himself, only he can make himself happy. I know that I am right about what I said and I know that, unfortunately, Kris and I cannot be together. But, I do love him and care about him deeply. I know he is hurting inside and it kills me not to be able to help him. He is a thoughtful, kindhearted person, he's wonderful. However, because some twisted fuck decided to do what he did, Kris is suffering. Not only is he severly depressed, he drinks alot. The worst part is that his parents have no idea what he went through as a child. He refuses to tell them because he doesn't want his mom to blame herself. He says that he only remebers bits and pieces and swears that it has not and does not effect him. It does. Alot. I feel helpless and I feel like a terrible person because there is nothing I can do to help him. And now we are broken up.

Like I said, aside from the aforementioned isssues, my gut told me there was something else that was bothering him. On Monday, I figured it out. If you have read my previous post you may recall me talking about the fact that I have a rather severe case of endometriosis. This was discovered during exploratory surgery, last May. I also lost part of reproductive oragans as the result of a ruptured tubal pregnancy. Anyway, I have been advised by my Dr. that if I want to have children I need to do it in the near future because eventually the disease will lead to a complete hystorectomy. Anyway, Kris knew about this situation from the get go and he had said that he wanted to have children as well. See, the thing is, I feel that if I am going to put any emotions into a person and have a relationship with them, that they should want the same thing I do, such as a family. Otherwise, I feel like it would be a waiste of time and energy for both of us. It would never work. Kris told me on Monday that he does not want children. He said he could change his mind someday, but who knows when, could be in year, could be in five yrs. He said that he knows how important it is for me to be a mother, but that it was not something that he was willing to give me. He told me that he wants me to move on and find somebody that will help me to fulfill my dream.

I know that he is right. Being a mother is my dream and there is no reason that I should not have that opportunity. He does not want that. I understand and I agree. It is for the best that we are not together. Then why am I so sad?

And So It Is

2006-06-29T17:11:00.000-07:00

I made a mistake. Now there is nothing to do but admit it, accept it, and move on. Much easier said than done.

I am in the midst of a moment of self realization. I find that it is extremely difficult to be brutally honest with myself. Honest with myself about the mistakes I have made and with the fact that I didn’t come out of my divorce unscathed.

The reality is that I am an extremely insecure person and deathly afraid of being alone. As with almost any divorce, I felt my dreams were shattered. I no longer had the husband I wanted and the possibility of being a mother like I desperately want to was gone. I felt as if I awoke one day in a foreign world. Recently, I have come to the realization that now, 3 years after the divorce, I am merely chasing happiness. And what happens when you chase something? It runs away faster. Happiness is not something you go looking for, it is something that comes to you.

I have been so afraid of being alone that I have forgotten about the most important thing, myself. Granted, I have been very successful in the career aspect of my life. I can financially take care of myself. But emotionally, I am my own worst enemy. I want so badly to be a wife and a mother and to have that special someone to share life with that I have allowed myself to be in a relationship that, in all honesty, is unhealthy. I am not happy. I have chosen to do something about it….finally.

I haven’t known Kris for all that long. But, when we first met things were magical. I honestly couldn’t remember a time when I had felt so happy and right about something. We were inseparable, we had so much in common, and we had a great time. I thought for sure he was the one. Then, I made the mistake. I was living with my mom for the first time in 10 years and I was hating it, not that I don’t love my mom, it was just not something I wanted to be doing at the age of 27. Kris had just bought a house and had said that I could live with him. At first, I told him that I didn’t it was a good idea because we had only really known each other for a few months. A few months went by and against my better judgment I moved in with him.

For the first few months things were wonderful. Then, like a flash, he was a completely different person. He drinks, A LOT. From the time he gets home to the time he goes to bed he has a beer in his hand. He mopes around the house and hardly speaks to me. He hasn’t had sex with me or barely touched me in over a month. I have tried to talk to him about things and he gets very mean and defensive. There are issues he has that could be related to some of this behavior; however, he will in no way acknowledge that there is a problem. He simply insists that he is just not as sexually driven as other men and that the only reason he his grouchy is because of work. I don’t buy it. Don’t get me wrong, this is not all about the lack of sex. The fact of the matter is that he had a very traumatic event happen to him as a child and he has told no one about it (except me and his ex). And the lack of sexual desire is not the only side effect from this. He absolutely refuses to believe that the event has anything to do with anything and is completely unwilling to work on fixing anything. I understand completely that what he went through was devastating and I feel terrible for him. I would love to be there for him and help him get through this. But, he will not seek help in any way, as he feels there is no problem. I am ignored at home constantly and I feel uncomfortable in my own home. I have gone and stayed at my moms tonight. I want to help Kris, but to I stay and put effort and emotions into someone who has no desire to fix things. In all honesty, we have only known each other really well for 5 months. I am just not sure that I am ready or willing to deal with things to this magnitude. I deserve to be happy too. But, I feel terrible for feeling this way. I don’t really think there is a choice anymore. I need out.

And so it is.

At Long Last

2006-06-21T12:48:00.000-07:00

Howdy all! I'm back! Hope you have all been doing well. I have not been able to get around and check in on any of you lately, I apologize. Anyway, things on the job front are looking up, while things on the home front seem to be taking a slightly negative turn. Isn't that life!?

I got the job with the Department of Family Services, Child Protection Agency. I am so very excited! I will finally get to work with and help children and families which is the whole reason I got the degree I did. Not to mention, it's a $12,000 annual pay raise and I get all the state benefits, including full retirement! It is exactly what I needed! I don't start until the 10th of July so I have a 3 week vacation. Sounds nice, but I am bored out of my mind!! I'm not one of those people who can just sit around the house all day. On the positive side, my house is spotless, the yard is emaculate, and the laundry baskets are always empty. But, there is only so much laundry and cleaning that can be done, you know?

In other news, I had a cyst removed just below my left ear on Monday and I am waiting for the biopsy results. So, I have 10 stitches and a very sore ear. With all my moles and skin cancer and now the cyst, I am beginning to feel like my body is some sort of farm, specializing in growing some sort of weird produce!! Wonder if there's anyway to profit off of that!!

My home life and relationship with Kris seems to have taken an awkward turn. There have been some very serious issues that have cropped up with him. Issues in which I am not ready to discuss, as I am having a very difficult time dealing and understanding them myself. They are serious and touchy issues (possibly physical, possibly psychological, possibly both), and when I have tried to discuss them with him he gets very defensive and begins to belittle me and tell me that he is not what I want and many other hurtful things. I feel horrible for him. With not being able to explain what exactly the issues are, it makes it difficult to describe to you just how I have been feeling, but it is not good, at all!!

Perhaps, here in a few days I will feel better about discussing them. Maybe, someone out there can help me deal with all of this. And with that, I will leave you all today with a conversation I had with one of the 7 yr old twins I used to babysit. (I babysat these boys, twins and their brother who is 16 months older, for the first 5 years of their lives, 50 hrs a week. They are my babies)!!

setting: far end of the table at the Hometown Buffet

Jack- "Avery, you used to married to PB, huh?"

Me- "Yep"

Jack- "But, he was not nice to you and now you have a new boyfriend."

Me- "Yep, his name is Kris"

Jack- "Oh yeah, Kris. *in a whisper* "Do you have sex with him?"

Me (with jaw dropped, he's 7 people!)- "Jack, that is a very private thing and you should not ask people that question, ok?

Jack- "Ok Avery, sorry I won't do that anymore. But, have you?"

TERMINATED

2006-06-02T13:00:00.000-07:00

Well shit! It finally happened! I was fired on Wednesday. It is a very long story and something that was bound to happen sooner or later, but it still sucked! I have never been fired before and although I was not fired for doing anything wrong, it still upset me. I spent most of Wednesday afternoon crying and feeling like a worthless POS. But, after a well needed cry fest, I am actually really glad. I needed to get away from that job. And as it turns out, all things do truly happen for a reason. The day after I was fired I got a call from The Department of Family Services for an interview. I had turned in my resume about a month ago and in all honesty almost forgot about it. It is a much better job and not only would I be using my degree I would be working with children, not to mention a $12,000 a year pay raise! The interview is Monday at 1:30 and I am nervous as all hell!! Keep your fingers crossed!!

Anyway, because I lost my job I do not have internet access all that much, so until we get the internet at home (which we are working on) I will not be able to post as much, but I am still around and I will try and check in as much as possible. In the mean time, I hope that all of you are doing well! I know I haven't been blogging for long and that I don't have all that many readers, but if any of you have any questions for me, about anything, go ahead and ask away!

Again, I hope that all of you are doing well!
Back in a jiffy!!!

You Know. "Those" People.

2006-05-26T11:25:00.000-07:00

It seems as though every family has that one person, be it a sibling, aunt, uncle, or cousin, that is just a little, umm, well, weird. My family, lucky devils we are, have been blessed with not only one, but an entire 5 person family of "those" people.

Please, don't get me wrong, I love my family, immediate and extended, but oh man can some of them drive a person bonkers! My mother's sister, Aunt K, and her husband and children do just that, and very well I might add. Aunt K is the oldest sibling of 5 in my mom's family. For some reason, unbeknownst to anyone, she is extremely jealous of my mother. Maybe because Mom can take care of herself and Aunt K, though she'd like to think so, can not. Who knows, and it's beside the point anyhow. Aunt K has three children, B, J, and C and her husband, Uncle W. They are all the kind of people that like to believe that they are better than everyone and that everything they have to say is so important that we should all stop what we are doing to listen to them. They are oblivious to the fact that everyone, family or not, finds them a little off. It is really hard to describe just exactly how they are strange, but they are, you know what I mean. More often than not it's difficult not to laugh at them or give them the "what the fuck are you talking about" look, when they are spouting off one of their harebrained thoughts. I think probably the most bothersome thing about them is that they act all prim and proper and just can't grasp the concept that we don't agree with them and their ideas. When the 5 of them are in the room no one can get a word in edgewise. The rest of the family sits around and exchanges bored, "what the hell," and "please make them shut up" looks.

Anyway, the reason for this post is that, while I thought they couldn't do anymore to appall me, they have dropped the gold and gone for platinum.

We received a phone call from my grandparents on Wednesday, I believe, that Uncle W was in the hospital. Apparently he has a 7 inch blockage between his pancreas and liver. At that time the doctors thought it was a tumor and they were performing surgery to do a biopsy. Yesterday, we were informed that the mass was not a tumor, it is a bloodclot. A tall tell sign that he has an aneurysm somewhere in his body. He has been moved to ICU and they are desperately searching for the aneurysm before it ruptures and kills him. He his only 53.

Here is what I am so appalled about. Last night my mom tried calling Aunt K's cell phone. No answer. She then tried calling the house to see if cousin C was perhaps there. Guess what? C and Aunt K were at home, eating dinner and going to bed. What the fuck!!! Your husband, your father, is in Intensive Care and could, in all honesty, pass on at any moment! Why in God's name are you sitting at home and leaving him there ALONE!!! For the last day he has been passing out almost every hour and you're at HOME?!

Now, I am fully aware that everyone has their own ways of dealing with things, but leaving him there alone like that, I am sickened. To make matters worse when my mom asked if cousins B and J (both adults) were on their way there, she said no Uncle W didn't want them there. I say, to hell with that! Even if he did say that, they need to be there. He needs support and Aunt K needs support. It's not easy sitting at a hospital for hours on end and dealing with such a scary situation. B and J, there is no reason why you can't be there. Get your asses home!! Your father could very well die!

And worse yet, what did Aunt K talk about to my mom? How shitty the hospital food was and she "just couldn't believe they didn't have any gluten free food at a hospital. Now her and C have to bring their own food to the hospital." Wah, fucking, wah!! Your husband is on the verge of DYING and you're complaining about FOOD!! You sicken me! And if it were not for the fact that you are family, I would not associate with people like you, selfish and arrogant! May God have mercy on you and yours!!

So, please, I ask, my Uncle W is very sick and alone, please send him your prayers!

Hope you all have a wonderful long weekend!

A Whole Lot of Nothing

2006-05-24T13:50:00.000-07:00

I'm bored. Have I ever mentioned that about 80% of the time I am at work I am bored out of my mind! When the phones don't ring and no one comes in and the filing is all caught up, there's not a damn thing to do but sit here and surf the net or read a book. But, not the INTERnet folks, the INTRAnet. Which is strictly monitered by someone in the corporate office. You wouldn't believe the sites that are considered inappropriate for associate viewing. It's recockulous! I always picture someone sitting in front of a computer hacking into all of our computers and nosing about. "Hey you, in the corporate office, how do I get your job? I can be nosey too!" And how is it that they determine what is appropriate? I have attempted to get on a site only to get the "Attention: this site is inappropriate for company use" message and then turn around and go to another site with the same content and get in no problem. Hmmm...I wonder if their mood that day had anything to do with it? On that note, after this post I may want to start getting my resume out there or get alot of books, I may be restricted from this INTRAnet entirely!

I just finished reading Dan Brown's book "Angles and Demons." Awesome read! I highly recommend it. I have also read his book "Digital Fortress," also great, and I have just started "The DaVinici Code." No, I haven't seen the moving and I won't until I read the book. Books are always better than the movies.

And now my friends, I'll tell you why I think I'm a bit of an odd duck. After finishing my book this morning, I sat here at my desk and my mind began to wonder. I suddenly found myself thinking about our 6 cats and our dog. What about them? Well, I was thinking about what a great children's story or movie I could write about them. Including, each of their personalities, how they would talk, interact, etc. I had all these silly little scenerios in mind, complete with dialect.
Yep, I'm a dork and I have waaaay too much time on my hands!! Happy Hump day!!!

Blahdy Blah-Blah

2006-05-23T13:04:00.000-07:00

Some random updates regarding previous posts:

BTW, although I sit in front of a computer all day, I am not so much technologically inclined. I haven’t figured out how to link my readers to previous posts. Any help on the matter would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

Pig Fucker:
After speaking with Kris’s grandmother and a Sheriff’s Deputy, things seemed to quiet down. I hadn’t heard from the po-po in about 2 weeks and I even passed him on the street once and he didn’t even look my way. I thought that perhaps the matter had been handled. Well, that’s what I get for thinking! On Friday, I received a text from him that said “Hey you, I haven’t talked to you in a while, hope all is well.” I saved the text and did not respond.
This weekend my Dad, who is a CPA, was at some sort of convention. He does a lot of audits for the State of Wyoming and knows quite a few people associated with the city. He spoke with a gentleman about the situation. My Dad had earlier suggested to me that I write a nice letter to pig fucker and ask him kindly to back off. The gentleman this weekend told my father that that was not a bad idea and that if I did so that I should also send a copy of the letter to the Chief of Police. This morning Dad called to tell me that yesterday while he was at the city building the man cornered him and told him that the City was now aware of the situation. I don’t really know what that means or what was done, but at least now there seems to be a lot of people aware of what is going on so if I am retaliated against I have witnesses.

At about 12:00 today I received this text from him: “I had a really good dream about us 2day. Hope all is well. I miss you.” What the fuck!!! The guy is CRAAAZY!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news, I have still been thinking a lot about my car accident and the recent accident involving a 16 year old and a skateboarder. I am over the whole “not fair” thing, but I have been thinking a lot about the poor kid who hit the skateboarder. I found out yesterday, from my Dad, that the 16 year old was a girl, another similarity of my accident. I had a hard time sleeping last night because I could not get the thoughts of the poor girl out of my head. I know exactly how she feels right now and what she’s is going through. I hope the kids at her school aren’t being as cruel to her as the kids in mine were back then. Anyway, I got up this morning and decided that there has to be something I can do to help her. I called my dad and asked him how he knew it was a girl and he informed me that it was a friend of a friend’s daughter. I have just spoken with the girls’ mother and told her about the accident I was in 12 years ago. I told her that I have been thinking about her daughter a lot and asked how she was doing. Needless to say, the poor girl is a mess right now. I offered to talk to her daughter about things, as I can relate better than anyone. I am meeting with her this Saturday at 1:00. I hope I can help.

TGIM

2006-05-22T15:12:00.000-07:00

I never thought I’d say it, but thank God it’s Monday! No, I have not gone mad. It was just an extremely busy and exhausting weekend. It was, however, really fun, for the most part.

The only part of the weekend that was not so peachy was Friday night. Usually, every Friday after work, Kris and he co-workers stay out at the shop and have a few beers. No big deal. It does not bother me at all. He works hard all week and he deserves a break. But, this Friday he done pissed me off! He called at about 6:00, as he always does, and told me that he was having home brewed beer at the shop. He said that he wasn’t going to stay out there much longer. Usually, when he says this he is home within about an hour. I had no reason to think otherwise. I was starving, but I was waiting for him to come home so we could go eat. After all, he said he’d be home shortly. I was being considerate.

Well, my dear little Kris didn’t call me until 9:00! I was bored out of my mind and starving to death, so I wasn’t all that happy with him anyway. The first thing out of his mouth when I answered the phone was, “Get ready, Tom and Kim are coming to pick us up and we’re going to Ryan’s birthday party.” The steam began rolling from my ears! It was 9:00 at night and I was starving, the only reason being that I had waited considerately for him so he could eat also. In the mean time, the silly boy was out getting drunk and being INconsiderate of me! Needless to say, we had ourselves a little tiff. The good thing about Kris and I is that we, for the most part, can sit down and discuss our disagreements civilly. However, when one is drunk off some seriously stout home brew, it’s not a time for discussions of that sort. I opted to keep my mouth shut. We went to the birthday party. We were there until about 12:30. I had to eat food from Mini Mart that night, further fueling my fire. Anyway, he passed out immediately after we got home. By Saturday morning he was sober and feeling like a jerk. He kissed my ass all weekend!

Saturday, we took a drift boat out on the river and floated and fished for about 7 hours. We got rained on twice, but it was great. I have been itching to go fishing for months now. We got three nice sized rainbow trout. That night, Kris took me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant. We were both exhausted from being in the sun all day and went to bed fairly early.

Sunday, we loaded up the ATV’s and Kris’s “rock crawling” truck and headed for the trails. We played all day. I got sunburned. It was a blast! We got home at about 8:00 Sunday night, ordered a pizza, and went to bed. It was a looooong, exhausting weekend, but it was wonderful!

Hope you all have a great week!!

Survivor....or Not

2006-05-19T13:44:00.000-07:00

It never fails. Every year there seems to be some sort of event that sends all the repressed thoughts and feelings I have rushing to the surface. The reports of the accident involving the 16 yr old and the skateboarder have done just that. Not only have I been having a difficult time dealing with all the surfaced emotions in relation to my own car accident, I have also found that many other repressed emotions are surfacing in regards to some other aspects of my life, especially my divorce.
For reasons unbeknownst to me, I have been thinking a lot about my ex and our very short lived marriage. I have an absolutely wonderful boyfriend now who treats me better that I have ever been treated in my life. I deserve that, I think. I can honestly say that I am happier now than I ever have been. Things seem to be looking up. Two weeks ago I moved in with Kris. It has been 3 years since I lived with anyone. I have discovered that in those three years I have went from someone who was desperately afraid to be alone (very dependent), to someone who very independent, almost to the point of it being a fault. I allow no one in. I know it’s not all PB’s (the ex) fault, but I find myself blaming him (and my father) for some of my short comings.
The latter half of my 1 ½ year marriage and my divorce were ugly. PB was a meth addict and cheater. He abused me in more ways than one and took any ounce of self esteem I had regained after my accident away from me. I was not allowed to have friends unless they were his, he would go through my closet periodically and throw away any clothes that he felt were “inappropriate” (basically anything that wasn’t a baggy sweatshirt or pants), he often followed me to work or school, the list goes on, it was ugly. Towards the end, he had an affair. Just like my Dad had 10 years earlier. I don’t think there was a day during those last months of the marriage that I didn’t bawl so hard that I threw up. It was horrible, and yet when it all ended I was still devastated.
I remember driving down the street, about 6 months after the divorce, all of the sudden it was if the heavy fog clouding my brain lifted. “This is it. This is my life now. It’s over. I am alone.” I have never felt so panicked in my entire life. I had no idea what I was going to do with myself or how I was going to do it. The life I had envisioned for myself was gone. No husband. No children. Nothing. I had absolutely no self esteem. I was deflated. I was lost.
In the months following, I quickly developed an attitude that I am now desperately trying to change. After my parents divorced, due to the affair my father had, I was slightly jaded about the whole relationship/marriage thing. Not enough, however, to steer clear from such things. After my divorce though, well, jaded is an understatement. I have learned that you can depend on nobody but yourself. If they don’t cheat on you or leave, there’s always the possibility of illness or death. That’s just life. So be it. Only Avery can assure a future for Avery.
For the last three years I have worked diligently on making a life for myself. Last year I received a Bachelors degree in Psychology and got my State licensing to sell insurance. I obtained a fairly decent job. I lived in a house by myself. I took care of all the things that needed to be done on my own. I mowed the lawn, planted a garden, repaired toilets, etc. I did it all. By myself. The first year was rough. I hated being alone and I slept a lot. But, as time went on I got used to it and I actually found that I enjoyed doing things on my own. I liked my “Avery” time. I needed it.
I realize that it is a great thing to be able to do things on your own. But, I fear that my experiences have jaded me to a point of being detrimental to my mental health and happiness. It has been very difficult for me to move in with Kris. I feel as if I have lost some sort of control in my life. I am deathly afraid of getting hurt again and I feel that my strong independent attitude is hurting rather than helping. I feel bad for Kris. He tries his hardest to help me with things, not because I need it, but because he wants to. All he wants is for me to be happy. I know this. But, I just can’t allow myself to depend on him for anything. We have actually gotten into arguments because I hardly ever let him pay for anything (dinner, movie, etc). He has made the comment before that it’s like I don’t want anyone to care about me. Maybe he’s right. But, how sad is that? Damn you for turning me into this PB!! The minute I find myself having strong feelings for someone I began pushing them away. Luckily, Kris and I have a very good relationship and we communicate very well. I have discussed my thoughts and feelings about these things with him and he is very patient with me. He seems to understand. But, it is so unfair to him. I’m afraid that if I don’t change my attitude that I will lose him. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be jaded and negative, I don’t. But, I don’t know how to make it go away. It’s possible that it never will entirely. But, there has to be some sort of middle ground here, doesn’t there? I have always prided myself on being a survivor. I have made it through a lot of difficult shit. But, have I really survived if I allow things to affect me in such a negative way, so many years later?

All Mixed Up

2006-05-17T13:00:00.000-07:00

I just read an article in our local newspaper. I'm having mixed emotions about it.....

Apparently, last night at about 5:45 pm a seventh grader (probably about 13 yrs old) was hit by an SUV as he was skateboarding. The article states:

"The 7th grader was reportedly crossing 1st street just east of Oak when a white Jeep Cherokee collided with him. Witnesses who saw the crash at about 5:45 pm disagree about whether the boy was riding a skateboard at the time of the crash or was carrying one, according to Lt. Stephen Smith of the Police Department. Smith said investigators are trying to determine precisely how the crash occured."

"Officer Bob Wegner, head of the police departments traffic division, said the driver of the Jeep was 16. He said the cause of the crash appeared to be an error on part of the skateboarder. Skateboarders need to use sidewalks and cross roads at designated crosswalks, Wegner said. Even with such precautions, he said, the popular devices carry an added risk."

"You're alot quicker than a walker, so it's a lot easier to get in trouble." Wegner said.

No charges wil be filed against the 16 year old driver. Wyoming Medical Center spokesman Mike Anderson said the 7th graders condition Tuesday afternoon was critical but stable.

It's another sad story. I feel terrible for both the kids involved. If you have read my posts about my car accident you may realize that this sounds a lot like my situation. Because of my experience I am able to empathsize with the 16 year old who was driving the car much more than I am the skateboarder. I know exactly how the poor kid must feel.

I am so glad, for the sake of the driver, that they are not handling this the way they handled my accident. The kids names were not released and the 16 yr old will not face any charges. As the article clearly states, the investigation is determining that the cause was an error on part of the skateboarder. Quite different than charging the 16 yr old with aggrevated assualt with a deadly weapon!!

As mentioned, I am very happy that another 16 yr old will not have to go through what I did and endure the added life long reprecutions of criminal charges. I know that the driver will already have a difficult time dealing with the fact that they hit a person, no one should have the added guilt and emotions that I was given.

On the other hand, there is a small part of me that says,"not fair!" Why did I have to go through the things I did for an accident that was almost EXACTLY like the one I was in?! The aftermath of my accident was multiplied ten fold beacause of the charges and my name being released. Why did this kid get off with nothing of the sort and why did I have to suffer through all that mess? I know, these are terrible thoughts. Absolutely no one should have to go through what I did! Maybe the DA and the police department learned a lesson from me and my accident. I don't know. But, like I said, I wouldn't wish my accident on anyone and I am glad that they are finally admitting that pedestrians can cause accidents too and it's not always the person driving who is at fault.
It's just the small childish part of me that says "not fair." And I feel like a terrible person for having that thought!! I have never really been a "why me" person. So why am I feeling this way? I don't know, maybe the article just surfaced some repressed thoughts and emotions. I just don't know. But, I don't feel so well today.

Hmm...Weird

2006-05-17T10:14:00.000-07:00

I received a weird phone call last night....

Me- "hello"

Dude- "is this Avery ____?

Me- "yes it is"

Dude- "this is so and so (he was talking too fast and I couldn't understand him) with the U.S. Census Bureau.

Me- "hi."

Dude- "I know last time we told you that you would only have to be interviewed for 4 months, but unfortunately we need to do it again. Did you receive my letter?"

Me- "Uhh, no"

Dude- "Hmm, ok. So, Avery, you're living at ________?"

Me- "No, I moved over a year ago from there."

Dude- "Well it's your lucky day! You won't have to listen to me then. But, hey tell you what. Lets do the interview just for fun and then I'll fudge a bit and then say you moved. So, where are you living now Avery?"

CLICK, I hung up. I didn't feel right about it. A few minutes later he called back, but I didn't answer. No message left. Here's why it's so strange:

I did, in fact, participate in the U.S. Census Bureau survey, but that was TWO years ago. When I was participating, someone would call me once a month for 6 months and ask general questions about work and pay, that kind of stuff. That time I did receive a letter. Anytime someone would call from the bureau the call came from an 800 number and if I did not answer a recorded message was left. The call I received last night was from a LOCAL number and when I didn't answer there was no recorded message.

Sound fishy? Or do you think I'm overeacting because of the pig situation?

Must Be Monday

2006-05-15T14:07:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and Mother's Day. I have a post that I have been working on, but this weekend was rather busy and I haven't time to do any editing. Hopefully, I'll have it up by tomorrow. In the mean time, I will share with you the reason that I would have been better off staying in bed today!

I should have known this morning, immediately after I got out of bed, that today was going to be one of "those" days.

I got up this morning and headed to the back door to let the dog out. Kris and I currently have SIX cats and a very hyper Australian Shepard (if anyone would like a cat let me know! I love 'em to death, but 6 is waaaaay too many). Anyway, I was still a little groggy and not really paying attention. As I was walking down the hall I stepped in a nice, fresh, warm pile of cat puke! Damnit!! And to top it all off it was on my new rug that I just purchased on Saturday. I let the dog out and went to get some carpet cleaner and a rag. Of coarse, I couldn't find the carpet cleaner, so I let the dog in, and went out to the garage to find some cleaner. After about 10 minutes of searching I found what I was looking for and headed back to clean up. As I walked around the corner I saw the dog by the puke. "Kody, get away from that!" He looked up at me with those little puppy dog eyes as if saying "What, Mom?" Then I looked at the rug. No more puke. Not even a spot. "Kody! Gross!" He answered me with a huge heave and cough. "Shit! Kody get outside, lets go! PLEASE, don't throw up in here! COME ON!!" We made it right to the door way before he puked on my bare feet!

By then I was already running late so I left him out side and rushed to the shower. I arrived 10 minutes late for work. As mentioned in previous posts, I work in an insurance office selling insurance. About 30 minutes after I got to work, a client came in. I stood up, shook his hand, and offered him a chair. I walked around my desk and went to sit in my chair. Whoosh, bam!! My stupid chair slid out from underneath me and I fell right on my ass, in front of my client!!

Ugh!! Is it time to go home yet?!

"Situation Pig"....Update

2006-05-12T12:54:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who commented for the advise on my "pig situation." As far as changing my number and routine, well, I do take different routes to work now and I moved from my mothers to the other side of town. However, I am sure that the pig knows where I am living. Like Jen said, I don't feel that changing my number, routine, etc. will do much good. He is, after all, a cop. He has access to a lot of information that the average stalker (if there is such a thing) does not. Unfortunately, I feel that for most law enforcement officers to catch a criminal, they must think like one. Not only does he have the ability to think like this, he also knows how to do it and get away with it. This is why the situation is so scary.

Kris, my boyfriend, has become very worried about me and my safety. His grandmother worked for the police department for several years, so last night we decided to go and talk to her about what options we may have in resolving the situation without retaliation. That's my biggest fear, the retaliation. If this guy wasn't a cop there would already be a restraining order and criminal stalking charges. I feel so helpless. So does Kris. I think if he could he would be on this guy in an instant, beating him severely! (don't worry, we both know that's not an option, cop or not.) You can't really blame the guy!

Anyway, after we explained the situation to his grandmother, she was livid! She immediately contacted a very prominent lawyer in town (also a close family friend). I have been advised to keep all the text messages and cards that he had sent and to keep a log of the times and places that I run into him or he makes contact. We do know his supervisors name and number, but have been told that that will be a last resort, as retaliation is a strong possibility. I now have a notebook with me in my truck at all times and all contact will be recorded.
Grandma then called a close friend of hers who is a sheriff deputy (a good thing because he is not in the same department as pig fucker). He is a very kind hearted man and acknowledged the severity of the situation. He is to be doing some checking into the background of the pig (without letting onto anyone why). He told me not to be afraid a retaliation, as if it does happen I have a multitude of witnesses (him included) who are aware of the situation. I was told that my safety is the priority here. I was informed that there are ways in law enforcement to handle a situation quietly. Not sure I know what that means and not sure I want to!

But, now I have even more mixed emotions. I want this to stop as I am terrified. But, now that it seems we got the ball rolling in nixing the situation, I find myself even more fearful. I am just not sure I can trust anyone in law enforcement anymore! I suppose all I can do now is play the waiting game and see how it all unfolds. Lord be with me!

Hope you all have a great weekend! And to all you mommies, Happy Mother's Day!!

Leave me Alone, PIG!!

2006-05-10T13:46:00.000-07:00

First off, thank you all for the birthday wishes! I had a good b-day and enjoyed my two days off from work tremendously! It was the first "vacation" I have had since I started working here 3 years ago. I got lots of gift certificates and I am soooo ready to go shopping!! I also moved into a new house this weekend, so my days off were spent unpacking and decorating the house, but I enjoyed every minute of it! And now to the intended subject of this post....

I am being stalked, literally. By a cop.

It all started off very innocently and it has been escalating for about a year. About a year ago, I was pulled over for going straight at a light in which you were only suppossed to turn right or left at, oops! The officer was a rather errogant man and I wasn't too happy about getting a ticket. It was the first ticket I had ever gotten. I had to give the him my cell phone number as it is the only phone I have (no residence phone). Anyway, that weekend I was at the bar talking to one of my friends when low and behold the stupid cop that gave me a ticket came walking up and started talking to my friend, DJ. He introduced me to the cop. I stupidly (and rather drunk) began to give the officer a little shit for giving me a ticket. The officer asked me my name and wrote it down. He told me that since it was my first ticket and because I was so pretty (first hint) he would dismiss the ticket. I went on with my business, thinking nothing of it.

About 2 days later I received a phone call from the pig fucker! He said he was just letting me know that he had indeed dismissed my ticket. A few weeks later I received a letter from the courts that verified that he had indeed done so. At the time I thought "Sweet!!" I had no idea he would become obsessed.

For the first month or so I answered his phone calls and chatted with him a bit. He seemed like a nice enough guy, plus he was a cop and a mormon (whatever that means). I met him for lunch ONCE, while he was on duty. It was very innocent. A friendly lunch. I had told him from the get go that I had a boyfriend. He never pushed anything and seemed like just a nice guy, maybe a friend. He continued to call for the next few months, but as I did have a boyfriend (who wasn't liking it) I didn't answer or return the calls. I ran into him a few times while I was at the bar and he waved at me if he saw me driving. No big deal.

Then about 6 months ago things started getting weird. I lived on the west side of town and I knew from previous conversations that he worked an area on the east side. But, one night I got a phone call from him (which I did answer as it was from another number). He asked me if my nose was itching at about 3:00 AM that morning. "Ummm..no, why" Turns out he was sitting outside my house, doing paper work, "because he got good reception there." Funny, cause both my roommate and I got shit for service out there. Not to mention he works the east side and I live on the west! Fishy, but I didn't think much of it.

I will admit, that for awhile it was kind of a bonus to have someone on the police force that I knew. Couldn't hurt to have the good guys on your side. Right? It did become obvious that he was attracted to me and he did admit that he "kinda had a crush" on me. I thought nothing of that either. After all I had always been up front with him about the fact that there was no chance for ANYTHING but friends. I thought I had made that very clear. More than once. I mean, I wasn't attracted to him, I have a boyfriend, he's a cop, and a mormon (and let me tell you, I could not set foot anywhere near a mormon church, I mean, he saw me drunk for crying out loud! So not mormon like!). In the last 2-3 months, things have gotten a little out of hand and rather scary....

It all started when I was leaving Pizza Hut. I had just finished dinner with my Mom. I was driving down the street, the speed limit, and I passed a cop. Next thing I knew he had flipped a bitch in the middle of an intersection and turned on his lights. The pig fucker pulled me over. Why? "Just to say hi." Can you say abuse of power? A few days later it snowed and my truck, which was parked in my mom's drive way, was mysteriously cleaned off. Later that morning I got a text message that said something along the lines of; "Hey baby, looked like you needed taken care of, so I took the liberty." Ok? Weird. I began seeing him all over the place. It seemed like where ever I was headed I passed him on the street or saw him in bars or restaraunts. If I did see him, I was polite, but not friendly.

2 Saturdays ago, I had a good friend come to town and we went out to the bar. At about 11:00PM, who should walk in, on duty? Yep, pig fucker! I did my best to pretend and not see him, but he walked right up to me. I said hi and then told him I had to pee. I stayed in the bathroom for awhile and when I came out he was gone. However, later that night, after I dropped my friend off, I was driving home and passed a cop about a block from my house. He was going the other way so I thought it was all good. When I pulled into the driveway and got out of my truck, there he was, blocking the driveway in his police cruiser. I was drunk people!
Shit! He got out and came up and started talking to me. I wanted sooo badly to be a royal bitch and tell him where to go, but he's a cop, and I was drunk. Jail does not sound fun. That night he told me again that he had a crush on me and that I deserve so many great things and blah blah blah! I VERY nicely (out of fear of retaliation) reminded him that I have a boyfriend with whom I am very happy and that we could never be more than friends and that the calls and text messages needed to be toned down as my boyfriend didn't appreciate them. He got all sad and grabbed me and gave me a hug, which I quickly ended and went inside. I thought he got the hint. But, I still kept running into him and my truck was cleaned off during our last snow, again.

About a week ago, I decided to change my routine, as I felt I was too predictable and thought that it would minimize my chances of running into him. Last Friday I left for work 15 minutes late. Guess what? I was followed to work! He pulled into the parking lot behind my car and said, "I swear I'm not stalking you." He then gave me a birthday card. In the card was a poem. It was creepy. I don't have it with me right now, but I will share it with you later. The last line said something along the lines of "A good friend will help you move, a REALLY good friend will help you move a body....let me know if you need me to bring a shovel." What the hell?!
Every Friday I take the deposit to the bank at the same time every day. That same Friday he followed me to work, I left a half an hour late to go to the bank. And there he was, sitting on a side street. The same side street I drive down on my way to the bank. He again flipped around and got behind me. I hurried through a light to the bank. He did not follow that time, but not a minute after I saw him he sent a text message that said "I promise I'm not stalking you!"

Then what are you doing and why do you feel the need to keep telling me that you're not stalking me?!!

So people, here's where I need your advise....Is this stalking? Am I overeacting? What to do?

I almost feel as if I'm being blackmailed, in a way. I mean, he is a cop, and I think he's a little loony. I'm afraid to be downright bitchy like I normaly would because I am afraid of him retaliating by setting me up or pulling me over and ticketing me for things I don't do. Yes, there are some crooked cops around here and they would do that! I have nothing to hide from law enforcement, but who's to say he won't make something up?

I am at a loss. The boyfriend is pissed. Dad is pissed. I am worried. He scares me.
Stupid pig fucker!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!

Shattered Dreams

2006-05-05T13:34:00.000-07:00

When I was growing up, and still today, if anyone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would say, a wife and a mother. Well, except for one year after I went to Sea World I was going to be a dolphin trainer. Anyway, I have always loved children and had a special connection with them. I worked in day cares and a child development center in the years after the accident. Actually, I have worked with children for the last 10 years. This is the first job I have had in which I do not. I hate it. I have just applied for a job with Child Protective Services. I hope I get it! *fingers crossed*

As I said, I did get my shit together, finally, after the accident and I graduated high school and began college. In 2001, I met Prick Bastard, known from here on out as PB. That may sound harsh, but after this post you'll understand. We dated and lived together for about a year and on August 17, 2002, we were married. My wedding was beautiful, everything I wanted. I can say however, that I should have listened to my womanly instincts. I never cried at my wedding and I always thought I should or would (happy tears, of coarse).

On our honeymoon, I got pregnant. I was overjoyed. My dream of being a wife and a mother was finally coming true. Seven and a half weeks later, on October 6th, a Saturday, I woke up bleeding. I was so scared. I called the doc hysterically. He told me that I just needed to "let nature take its course." I was 7 1/2 weeks pregnant and I was probably having a miscarriage.
But, something inside of me was telling me that it was more than that. Something just wasn't right. About an hour later I was in excruciating pain. PB and I headed to the ER.......

After 8 hours in a morphine induced state and numerous ultrasounds, I was rushed into surgery for a ruptured tubal pregnancy. As it turned out, things never made it to my uterus and the baby was growing in my left tube. It simply got to big and ruptured. I was bleeding internally. My abdomen was quickly filling with blood. There was no saving my tube, now they were just trying to save my life. Thank God for instinct because had I not felt that something was terribly wrong I would have done what the Doc said and stayed home thinking I was just miscarrying. I would have bled to death.

Before the surgery my Mom told the surgeon, the er doc, and the nurses that I was allergic to Demerol. After 4 hours of surgery, I awoke in a hospital bed, with only half my reproduction organs, and on a Demerol drip!! I was bruised from the middle of my thighs to right underneath my breasts and halfway around my back. I was deathly sick from the demerol. For the next four days I couldn't even keep ice chips down. I dry heaved constantly. Not a good thing for a 5 inch incision across my abdomen. I was in the hospital for 2 1/2 weeks. After I was released I acquired an infection "somewhere in my body" and I developed a blood clot in my abdomen. Back to the hospital where I would be for another 2 weeks.....

The blood clot was so big and was causing so much pressure that it caused a hernia in my lower abdomen. My blood count was still extremely low from all the loss of blood and it was determined that I would have to wait 5-6 months to have surgery to repair the hernia. After about 3 months of recovery I was able to get a part time job and resume my college career. But, things with my husband began to change.....

PB became someone I did not know. He was always "working" and he started verbally abusing me all the time. If he came home and there was one thing on the coffee table I was "a lazy bitch" or a "cunt." Mind you, that man had dinner on the table every night he came home even if I had worked all day and had class at 7:00 that night. Not to mention my body was still trying to build my blood back up. I was exhausted. That following May I had surgery to repair the hernia, I got another blood clot from that surgery. Three days after the surgery it was discovered that while I was lying on the couch recuperating and grieving the loss of a baby, my husband was having an affair.

After I confronted him on it things got ugly. I was emotionally, verbally and physically abused. It was then discovered that he was using meth (shooting it, none the less). That November I left him and went to live with my Mom. After a year and a half of marriage, I was divorced.

I just found out in May of last year, after exploratory surgery, the cause of the tubal pregnancy. I have been diagnosed with a severe case of endometriosis. A disease that effects the reproductive organs. They do not know the cause nor do they have a cure. The only way to get rid of it is a full hysterectomy. It causes severe pain every month when I am ovulating. It is not known if I can have children. I only have one tube left and the other is at risk of being clogged with scar tissue. There are some experimental hormone therapies, but there is no guarantee that they will work and to be honest I don't want to risk any more problems with my reproductive parts by experimenting with hormones. It is know a waiting (praying) game. As long as I can handle the pain I will not have a hysterectomy. I just can't let go of my dream of being a mother.

Aaaand....I'm done talking about this right now, it's too much.

On a lighter note, it's my birthday on Monday and I get a 4 day weekend!! Yippee!!

Hope you all have a super groovy weekend!!

Rumors and Rebellion

2006-05-04T11:20:00.000-07:00

As mentioned in the previous post, my name was released on the local news station and in the local newspaper. Kids are cruel......

I started my junior year in high school the month after the accident. It was on the first day of school that I heard the rumors running ramped through the school. Apparently, the story of a 16 year old hitting a 14 year old with a car just wasn't enough, it had to be embellished. It was rumored that I was driving 65 mph when I hit him and that he was killed. (if you have read the previous posts, you know just how untrue that was).

I was greeted on my first day of school with people calling me "Mario Andrede" (the race car driver) and a murderer. Yep, a murderer. I remember one boy asking me how it felt to kill someone. I lost all interest in school and slipped into severe depression......

Looking back with a more mature mind, I know why I chose the path I did after that. It makes one feel better about themselves if they are around people who are worse off than they are. I started hanging out with a group of very "bad" kids. I ditched school, began drinking alcohol, used drugs (mostly pot, but I did experiment with coke and acid), got into physical fights, and began disrespecting my parents severely(something that to this day I feel horrible about, I have apologized endlessly to both of them, it just still doesn't seem like enough). I became a terrible kid.

The accident and my subsequent actions rocked any foundation that my family still had left to the core. Mom and I fought constantly. Dad was around less and less. My brother hated me and let me know about it. He had no idea about the "call" (previous post) and he blamed me for my parents situation. Mom and Dad began to fight, a lot. The fighting was always about me.

My parents had different views on discipline. Mom being the hard ass and Dad being much more lenient. Then, I thought it was because Dad and I were so much alike (which we are) and that he "understood" my desire to party and have fun. Dad did his fair share in high school and college. Mom did not. She is one of those people that has done everything "right" her entire life (a post for a later date). Now, I believe that, in all reality, Dad knew he was going to loose his family and he was deathly afraid of being alone. By being lenient and the "cool" parent, he was ensuring that I would stay with him. And I did.......

Our family became divided under one roof. Dad and me. Mom and Korbyn. We went to numerous counselors, many of which I have no recollection of what so ever. By that Christmas, 6 months after the accident, Dad and I were living in a hotel room. I was still a troubled mess.

I got a minor in possession of alcohol ticket (kinda a funny story, I threw up on a cop, oops!) and had 6 months added to my already indefinite probation. I NEVER went to school. A huge violation of my probation.

Dad and I eventually got a house and it became rare that I ever saw my Mom (more to regret today). I was constantly crying and out of control. I was suspended from school for having so many truancies. Dad was at a loss. He knew I needed help, but I wasn't going to my counselor like I was supposed to. A little over a year after the accident Dad placed me in an in house treatment facility. (again a post for another day) I was there for a total of about a month and a half. They worked with me a lot on coping with the accident and my family situation while I was there and when I was released I felt a little better and felt like I could possibly put the accident behind me. But......

Two weeks after I was released from the facility Dad got a phone call from my insurance companies lawyer. Turns out the $100,000+ that the family of the boy I hit received just wasn't enough. They were suing the insurance company for $4.5 million dollars(greedy bastards). The lawyer explained to us that there would be a jury trial. The purpose of the trial was to determine fault in the accident. If the jury found me entirely at fault they would be awarded the money. They wanted me to testify. We obtained two letters from two different doctors saying that it would be detrimental to my mental and physical well being for me to testify. I was informed I would testify anyway.

On the day I was set to go to court, I was literally sick. I had my first panic attack. When Dad and I arrived at the court house the attorney for my insurance company called us into a little room. He told us that he had been up all night thinking about the trial. He said that he had children of his own and that he felt that he just couldn't live with himself if he put me on the stand. He knew I couldn't handle it (God bless him). I did not have to even enter the court room.

I never heard details about what went on in the court room and I don't want to. All I know is the outcome. The jury determined that that the accident was 70% my fault (because I was driving a car) and %30 the boys fault (because he was in the middle of the street, in black clothes, at night). The family was awarded $450,000. And in case your wondering, the boy made a complete recovery and was the star of his basketball team.

So, the story of my tragic accident was over. I eventually graduated high school, a semester late, but I did it and I began taking classes at the college. In August of 2002, I was married.

And that, my friends, is the beginning of the next life shattering event.....

Stay tuned!

Tailspin....The Aftermath

2006-05-03T13:22:00.000-07:00

This is when my memory of things gets fuzzy, at best. I was 16 and had never dealt with any sort of trauma. I had no idea how to cope with the fact that I hit a person, with a car. I realize, now, that it was simply a matter of being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Anyone who was driving on that road at that time would have more than likely hit the boy. But, a 16 year olds brain just doesn't have the capability of thinking in that manner. I felt guilty, I was scared, I was sent into an emotional tailspin. And it would only get worse.......

Dad came home immediately after he heard of the accident. Two days after the accident we were sitting in the living room watching the local news. Low and behold, they started reporting about my accident. They realeased my name to the entire town. The next morning my name was in the paper as well. You may be asking, as were my parents, how can they release the name of a minor in a situation like that? We found out the next day just why they could.....

I don't know if the District attorney was just in a bad mood, if it was an election year, or if they were trying to make an example of me, but it was determined that I did not violate any traffic laws. I wasn't speeding, drinking, etc. However, for some unknow reason they felt they needed to charge me with something. The charge? Aggrevated assult with a deadly weapon, a felony.
I was charged as an adult. Hence, the reason the news reports were allowed to release my name.

We immediately obtained an attorney to fight the charges. The charges weren't dropped, however they were dropped down to the juvenile courts. This was a good thing because it meant that when I turned 18 it would be off my record. I wouldn't have a felony charge on my record ALL my life. I never had to testify in court, as I was in counseling and it was determined that it would be detrimental to my mental health to testify. The judge sentenced me to a year in the State Girls School (basically, a female juvenile prison). That sentence was suspended and I was placed on probation, indefinately. So, there I was, a 16 year old "child" who had never been in any trouble, on probation, for an accident.

It was the beginning of what would be the most out of control year and a half of my life.......

A Quick Note

2006-05-03T11:07:00.000-07:00

Before I begin, I would like to make a note that I am in no way feeling sorry for myself or asking for anyone's sympathy about the events that I will talk about. Aside from the accident there are a few other tragic events I will discuss. However, I am merely doing this in a meager attempt to "let go of the past" and get the thoughts out of my head. Though many of these events were tragic I am in no way regretful or bitter about them. I have learned many valuable lessons that I would never have had things not happened exactly the way they did. I thank God for these experiences, as I would not be who I am today had things not gone the way they did!

Gotta go get lunch, but I'll post this afternoon about the aftermath of the accident.

Accidents Can Change Lives....Forever

2006-05-02T12:25:00.000-07:00

As mentioned in the previous post, my parents did not divorce immediately after my father was found having an affair. Jump forward about a year after the "call." and Mom was still sleeping in the extra room and Dad was still traveling alot for work. I turned 16 that May and got my drivers license. Dad taught me how to drive a manual transmission in his little Toyota Celica. In the eyes of a 16 year old it was a dream car. Red, sporty, and it had a sunroof!
By this time I was still a fairly "good" kid. I had never drank alcohol, tried drugs, ect. I was on the straight and narrow and aside from the family situation I was alright. And then.............

Please understand that the story you are about to hear is still very hard for me to discuss and that the trauma of it has made my memory of some things a little fuzzy.

It was July 24th, 1994. Two months after I got my drivers license. Dad was out of town for work (of coarse) and he had left the Celica home for me to drive. I didn't have full driving privalages as I had just got my license, but it was summer (I don't know the day of the week) and Mom let me take the car that day to the mall with my friend Mandy. We made it home from the mall safely and asked my if we could go to the park and then bowling. She said yes, and we went to pick up another friend, Jesse, and headed to the park. The park we went to has hiking trails that run along a creek and we often went there to hike. After hiking, we went to the bowling alley and played a few games. At around 9:00pm, we left the bowling alley and stopped at Mini Mart and got some of those bottles of Arizona Iced Tea (this has significance later on).

I remember driving down one of the main roads and coming to a stop light. The light was yellow and I went through it. I wish I would have stopped. That 1-2 min. stopped at the light would have changed everything.

We were driving on a street that has a hill at the end of it. It was dark. The hill is one of those in which you can not see over it, just the top of the other side. I remember that Mandy had a stick from a pennant and that she was holding it out the window and it was dragging on the ground. I was driving the speed limit, 30, maybe 35, tops. We were laughing. Suddenly I hear Mandy yell, "Watch out for that kid!" I swerved. I blacked out......

The next thing I remember is opening my car door. The car had gone through 2 mail boxes and hit a truck in someones driveway. That is were it stopped, in the driveway. My hand was bleeding severly and there was a tendon hanging out of my finger. Mandy's head was bleeding.
Up the street a little ways, lay a 14 year old boy on rollerblades. I hit him.

The hill was, and is, a popular place for kids to rollerblade, skateboard, ect. beacuse it is so steep. It would be determined later that the boy was wearing black clothing, rollerblading in the middle of the street. And that when I swerved he jumped the same direction I swerved.

I was in shock. My body was on auto pilot. I knew I was only a few blocks from home and all I could think was that I needed my mom. I ran into someones house and I remember a lady giving me a dish towel for my bloody hand. I called Mom. She was there within a minute.

By then, a large crowd had gathered and there were police cars, fire trucks, and an ambulance.
I started hyperventilating. The medical personal were busy working on the kid I hit and strapping Mandy on a neck board because she hit her head on the windshield. A bystander ran to a medic and told them I needed help also.

I was put in an ambulance. In the ambulance with me....Mandy to the right strapped to a board....and the kid I hit laying in front of me with people working on him. Yes, they put us all in the SAME ambulance. I remember hearing him hollering "God it hurts, please kill me, please let me die!" I started bawling. I then heard, "I want to die, whose that girl crying, tell her to shut up!"

We arrived at the ER. Mandy and I were literally vaccumed off because we were covered in glass from the windsheild shattering. While I lay in the ER being vaccumed and my finger split wide open (tendons and all) a police officer arrived. I was still in shock and I was being interrogated:
PO- "How fast were you driving?"
Me- "I don't know"
PO- "Well guess."
Me- "not very fast 30-35"
PO-"Were you drinking?"
Me-"No."
PO-"Then what are those bottles in the car?"
Me-"They are Arizona Iced Tea."
PO- "Mm-hmmm, really?"

The doctor then stepped in and told the officer that I was in no condition to be interrogated like that and he made the officer leave. I had not been drinking. I told Mom this. The Er doc suggested that we allow them to do a blood alcohol on me so that the police could not try and accuse of me of drinking. Of course we did.

Mandy was fine, just a bump on the forhead. I had over 35 stiches in my right index finger. The boy? He received two broken legs and a broken arm.

And no this story is not over. Things would become even worse..........

Hello Avery, Welcome to the Real World!

2006-05-01T14:51:00.000-07:00

This is about the beginning of the ongoing saga that has become my life.

I had a very easy, trouble free childhood, until I was about 15yrs. old. I had a very close knit loving family and was a "popular" kid at school. I was active in many sports including basketball, volleyball, gymnactics, and soccer. Dad travled alot for his job, but I always remembered him being there whenever he could. He coached basketball and soccer teams for my brother and I and when he could he traveled with to our out-of-town soccer tournaments.

It wasn't until I was much older that I realized that in all reality, he wasn't around much. It was my mother who did all the work. But, it was Dad who, out of guilt I believe, spoiled us rotten whenever he was around. He loves us dearly, but that's the only way he knew how to show it. All the while, it was Mom who was struggling and lonely. She gave Dad the best years of her life and while he was gone all the time working on building his career (which he did very successfully), it was Mom who was teaching full time and raising 2 children.

By the time I was in the 9th grade I had the idea in my head that divorce was not something that was going to happen to my family. I had numerous friends whom parents were divorced, but I guess i just thought thatif my parents had made it this far they would make it forever. To this day I have no memories of them fighting during my childhood what-so-ever. My brother and I were givrn the impression that they were happily married and that made us feel secure. I believe that this why we both felt slightly betrayed when it all ended.

I remember the beginning of "the end" like it was yesterday.

Dad was out of town on business as usual. I was in the 9th grade (I think I already mentioned that). The phone rang at 6:00 A.M. I picked up the phone, but my Mom had already answered. I'm not sure why, but I quietly stayed on the phone in my room and listened to the conversation.

It was a women who claimed her name was Bink. She told my mother that she had gone over to her friends house the prior evening. When she got there she noticed her friend was acting strange and that she then found my Dad hiding outside undernieth the womans deck. He was suppossed to be out of town for work. Mom said nothing. Bink proceeded to tell Mom that she was sorry and that she just couldn't have lived with herself if she didn't let Mom know.

Mom hung up, so did I. From that moment on I went into self-defense mode. I repressed, supressed, and every other defense mechanism my unconscious could come up with. I didn't want Mom (or Dad) to know that I heard the phone call. I went upstairs and found Mom in her bathroom bawling her eyes out. I quietly knocked on the door and asked if she was alright. Through her tears, doing her best not to alarm me, she told me she was fine.
I remember going to school and telling two of my good friends what I had heard, but I can honestly say that I do not remember crying, ever. I was repressing, severely.

Dad came home a few days later and evrything seemed fine. They were both doing everything they could to keep my brother and I out of things. I never saw them fight or even be bitter towards each other. I must have been acting somewhat differently, because about 2weeks after the said phone call, Mom and Dad called me down to the basement for a "chat."

Dad said "You heard the phone call, didn't you." I told him that I did indeed. He then proceeded to tell me that he was droping off tax forms to the woman on his way out of town and that when this Bink lady showed up, the other woman asked him to go out back because "Bink is schicophrenic and she just knew she'd freak out and take it the wrong way."
I was distant and emotionally shut off. I nonchalantly said "oh ok, whatever." I was naive and scared to death. Mom and Dad said that they were going to go to counseling and I was informed that my brother and I would attend a few sessions as well.

They did not divorce right then. They were going to work it out "for the kids." However, for the almost the next 2 years Mom slept in the guest bedroom. We all knew it was ending, but no one, even my parents would admit it. We simply put on our pretend happy faces and went about our daily lives.

The next post will about the second traumatic incident that occured about a year after "the call"
It affected my life personally the most, but the entire family would be brought down and traumatized with me.

Sorry if there are alot of typos, I don't have time to go back and proof!

Shallow Sal

2006-04-28T15:11:00.000-07:00

I had to call into work today. Damnit! I had a severely disabling, make me puke, migraine. I have had migraines for years and I have a presciption for them, but if I don't catch the damn things in time the meds do no good. So, as is my luck, I woke up with one on the morning my boss is out of town and had to leave the 1 other lady I work with in the office alone all day. I feel really bad about it.

I am still a little hazy from the migraine, but I wanted to get a post out about an experience I had last night with perhaps the most shallow girl I have ever came across. I throw darts in a legue every Thursday night. While at darts last night one of my teammates brought a few of his friends. He was telling me how one of the guys was "so loaded" and "has a Hummer and just bought a $300,000 house." My thought was, "well good for him, but I am not impressed by money at all, I'll make my own money, why are you telling me this?"
A little while later I went into the bathroom and was met by one of the little girls that was with this group of people and whom I had seen flirting relentlessly with "Richie Rich." I'll refer to her as "Shallow Sal" Here was our conversation:

SS- "What do you think of that guy out there?"

Me- "Well I don't really know him, is he nice?"

SS- "Well yeah, he's not very cute though. But, Avery you should see his house!"

Me- "Yeah, I heard about it. Good for him."

SS- "I've never been with a rich guy before! I wanna fuck him on his pool table, in front of the big windows in his $300,000 house, and in his Hummer! You know, just to say that I've been with a rich guy! Heehee"

Me- "Okaaay?" (puzzled look)

SS- "Avery, you can't go through life and say that you've never been with a rich guy!"

Me- "Uhhh...Yeah, I can! Good luck with that. Bye."

Poor, poor, little girl! She is going to be so unhappy and utterly alone in life with that attitude!
People like that disgust me!!

Have a super duper weekend!

A Little Self Disclosure

2006-04-27T11:02:00.000-07:00

I figure I should start things off by giving any readers I may have a little info about myself. Sorta a get to me post, I suppose.
My name is Avery(though I comment on blogs with the name Lynx) and I am 28 (well almost, my b-day is next Monday, the 8th). I was born and raised in Wyoming. I live in the largest "city" here in Wyoming. I say "city" because those of you who live in a real city would laugh at the fact that we Wyomingites consider it a city. We have a population of about 65,000. Though we are presently in the midst of a giant boom due to the steadily growing methane gas and oil drilling. I believe our state is 3rd in the nation for methane gas production. So because of this they are predicting our population to rise to over 100,000. Woohoo movin' up in the world! Wyoming is an EXTREMELY conservative, republican state. The state is full of folks who want absolutely nothing to do with any sort of change what-so-ever! It seems as though the older generations will stop at nothing to ensure that things in this state remain as they were, oh say, 50 damn years ago!! This has made it very difficult for the younger generations to find well paying jobs in their home state and forces them to relocate to states with better opportunities for job placement and advancement. I get a kick outta listening to some of the people here complain about the growth of our "city." The most humorous to me is when they complain about the "traffic." HAHAHA! I mean seriuosly people, we have 1 interstate that runs through here and it's a 2 laner! If you are complaing about having to wait at a stop light behind like 8 cars on your lunch hour, well, I'm not too sure what to say to you except...Shut up, our "traffic" that you consider soooo terrible would be a blessing to those who live in the "real" cities!! Ok, Whoa! Apparently my town and state are posts in and of themselves. Soooo, enough of that! Moving on......
I have 1 younger brother, Korbyn, who is 25. He has just completed his 2nd year of law school and he is the complete polar opposite of me! I was, and still am, a partier. I am very social and like to have a good rime with my friends. I got into ALOT of trouble in during my high school years. Korbyn, on the other hand, is very shy and insecure and has always had trouble with people making fun of him. He has a little trouble in the "friends" department. Again, a post for another day!
My parents divorced after 25 years of marriage when I was 16. They both still live here in town. Dad, is a CPA and is remarried. Mom, is a 2nd grade teacher, and sadly has not dated since their divorce 12 years ago. More on that some other time.
I have now been divorced for a little over 3 years. I was only married for a year and a half. After the wedding it was discovered that my husband was a severe meth addict and he became abusive in all ways! The story of that year and half of my life is rather astounding (I also lost a baby during this time) and I will share it at some point. This post is supposed to be a brief over view of who I am.
I have a bachelors degree in Psychology. However, I currently have my state licensing to sell insurance and I am working as an insurance agent for a major insurance carrier. This is the first job i have had in which I do not wotk with children, as is my desire. I hope to someday, in the near future, have a job which utilizes my degree and allows me to work with children and families.
It has been my lifelong dream to be a mother. Hopefully someday, God willing!
I enjoy reading, camping, fishing, four wheeling, and football!! I love me some football!! I am, and have been for at least 10 years, a HUGE Indianapolis Colts fan!! So, during football season, you non-fans may have to bear with me!!
Welp, I better cut this off, don't wanna overwhelm anyone on my second day of blogging!!
I will surely disclose much more about myself as the blogging continues. If you have any questions for me, feel free to ask, I will do my best to answer!

It's About Time!!

2006-04-26T15:08:00.000-07:00

Hi there! Well, after months of reading and commenting on a few sites and debating on whether or not I wanted to start my own blog I have finally taken the plunge!! I'm a little nervous after reading all the other great blogs I have read that my postings will be boring and uninteresting. However, I do have quite a few intersting life events that, if for no other than to help myself sort things out, I should probably talk about. And I would hardly call my life boring so......Here's to hoping that I don't bore anyone to death or insult anyone with my sometimes bullheaded, opinionated attitude!
I'm running outta time here at work so I'll try for a better post tomorrow. Just wanted to get this set up and get a post going!